For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Isn’t Enough (Dear Marisol)

They found her alone, and lifeless in her room. I don’t think i’ve cried the way I cried when I found out about anything else that has happened in my life. You were gone. Sleep in peace Marisol my love. I hope you finally found the peace you so desperately searched for. Two years ago I laid my cousin to rest after she committed suicide. I never really put myself in a mindset to totally think about the full situation and how everything happened, so today I decided to write a letter to her. This year I am teaming up with some amazing organizations to shine a light on suicide prevention and I am walking in her honor this year at the  American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Out of the Darkness Walk on November 16th. Scroll down to see how you can support/walk with me/donate!

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Dear Marisol,

You were alone inside an empty room. I can’t get that out of my mind. I make up in my mind  what your last thoughts were and think about it  constantly. It’s been torturing me a little lately. I can’t believe I decided to write this letter while I was at work because now i’m crying. I wish I wrote this letter when you were here.  I knew that something was wrong. I’m sorry. I wish I could have saved you. I should have never left to New York. You needed me. The what-if’s. The what-if’s. Life was rough. For all of us. I wanted you to find that strength to pull yourself up out of it, like I did. I didn’t want to be your crutch. We both knew things weren’t right, I was just hoping you saw how I changed and would follow me. Like you always did. Remember when we were younger you did everything I did. I was your big cousin, but in our eyes we were sisters. Okay now i’m sniffling too loud at work. Had to take a break and compose myself because they wouldn’t understand.

We were so close growing up. Everyone knew we would be. Our moms were the only two girls out of 6 children and they both only had one girl (you & I) and from day one we were inseparable. Every weekend I’d make sure my mom let me come spend the night at grandmommy’s house where you lived and Judy (your mom) would always have a weekend of fun things planned for us. I loved being over there every weekend until the fights started. Fights between everyone. Being older now and I look back on the chaos and I still don’t understand how that much confusion could be caused within a family. Sister vs. Sister. Brothers vs. Sister. Grandma vs. Grandpa. Sister vs. Grandma/Grandpa. It was an utter and total mess and I know when I left every weekend your little piece of peace would walk out the door too and you turned in to a different person. I looked at your behavior as you being rebellious and acting out but when I look back on it all I hear your cries now. I’m sorry  At the end of the day I think you just wanted unconditional love and no one was there to give it to you. I’m sorry. I remember when I first visited  you when they put you in the mental health facility at the hospital. You were so pale. Like white as a ghost. I can’t get that image at of my mind sometimes. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do or how to talk to you. I think that’s when you thought my unconditional love for you stopped too. It didn’t. I wish I showed it more. I’m sorry.

I know what you’re saying now….. Christina, remember when I came to live with you. Remember I tried to get away from it, but they just pulled me back in. You did, you tried and I was a teenager in high school and following a different crowd and my thoughts were only on boys, my friends, and having fun and I lost you in the process.  I lost us in the process. I’m Sorry. Sometimes I feel like when I left for New York you lost all hope at living and having something to live for. Friends tell me not to blame myself, I try not to. You desperately wanted love and peace, and you found it in all the wrong the places, and in all the wrong people who didn’t care but you settled for it because there was no other option. No family, no friends, and I blame myself for that. I don’t think I won’t be able to ever stop blaming myself. You were such an amazing person inside and out but your vision was so cloudy that you couldn’t see that. I think about our happy times to keep my spirits up.

I’m hoping you’re now at peace with your babygirl Sophia. I have a feeling that God took her early because he knew you needed her there with you when you transitioned over. Both our daughters were S babies. Sophia and Simone. Simone still plays with Sophia’s stuffed goat. I feel like you left it here for her to never forget you. Your mom misses you( I waited to the end to tell you that, you know why). She does. She’s sorry. I remember the day you passed on. That entire day is etched in my mind forever. I cried a lot at your funeral. I think I was in shock that you were really gone.  They talked about you and I being together all the time a lot and it made me cry even more.  Marisol, you taught me so much about love, living, and happiness and I will be forever in debted to you for that. I miss you more than words can express. Sleep in peace Beautiful Brown Girl.

I love you, unconditionally.
Christina

My cousins death happened one year into me starting the brunch club and at that point I re-evaluated every aspect of my life. My purpose became more than having brunch but building up my sisters to know that they’re worth it. You’re worth love, you’re worth happiness, and that I love you UNCONDITIONALLY.  In life I’ve learned that most of the time when we are in a depressed state we aren’t really looking for  reasons to die, we are actually looking for reasons to live, and I pray that BBG can be that one step for some one to know that life is worth living and that they have a core group of sisters that will help them along the way!

This year I’ve partnered with some amazing organizations (Scandalous Divas, FLO’etry Entertainment, and Blooming Rose Productions) to participate in the American Suicide Prevention Out of the Darkness Broward County Walk on November 16th at 9am on the Nova Southeastern University Campus.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is the nation’s leading organization bringing together people across communities and backgrounds to understand and prevent suicide, and to help heal the pain it causes. Individuals, families, and communities who have been personally touched by suicide are the moving force behind everything we do.

How you can help!

If you are in the South Florida area I would love if you can come out and walk with us! It is a 3-5 mile work.  Here is how you can join our team.

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Click here – http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.team&teamID=62876 and click join our team at the top. It’s FREE to sign up and walk with us!

Select “Team Walker” and select “BBFS” as your team. It will add you on to our team roster. Then you can start fundraising on your own also and join us on Nov 16th for the walk.

We would like to show our unified support at the walk with TEAM t-shirts. The white has the ladies organizations on the back and the black has the men’s organizations logos on the back. Shirts are $20 and proceeds go back to the ASPF. Shirts can be ordered in advanced by emailing sizes to –  beautifulbrowngirls@gmail.com or paying cash at the walk (need your shirt size in advance).

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 (Click the image to view the shirts)

Can’t make it to the walk but would still like to donate to the cause. Just click here and make your donation on the Beautiful Brown Girls fundraising page – http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donordrive.participant&participantID=572899

Thank you for your support and increasing the awareness on suicide prevention!

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8 thoughts on “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Isn’t Enough (Dear Marisol)

  1. Hi Christina. I’m in the BBG_ATL club. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and that this is the most beautiful thing I’ve read in a long time. I felt the love in your words. I pray that you are able to forgive yourself, I’m confident Marisol has.

    Also, thanks for shining light on the issue of suicide in the black and brown community. Hopefully, it will inspire someone to seek help and know that they are LOVED even when it’s not apparent.

    God Bless you and your family.
    Keshia

  2. Hi Christina. I recently joined BBG CA orange county region. I’m really excited to be apart of this group. Just wanted to say your article was very moving and its great to see support is being shown for such a great cause, that unfortunately doesn’t get spoken about enough. I would like to know also if we were interested in shirts who can me contact and order from. Thanks -Marylin

  3. Hi Christina, I’m in the BBG_ATL club and would love to attend this event. Perhaps we can try to get a trip together if any of the ladies from Atlanta want to go and we could share the expenses to make it more affordable for everyone. If you are interested, I would be glad to help coordinate.

  4. Hi Christina,
    I am so moved by your letter to your cousin. I lost my brother to suicide in 2001 and I still blame myself for not being there or doing more so I truly understand your thoughts. I am the President of Black Professional Women here in Raleigh NC and I am so impressed with your brunch club, so I wanted to reach out! Keep going strong and be inspired!
    Tysha

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